This was 4 years ago. But I’ll never forget my feelings of failure, and being stuck in a body I didn’t recognize.
Scroll to the bottom of this post to watch a Facebook Live about why I spent $63 on coffee creamers, and how we can give ourselves permission to spend money and show up to make choices that help us thrive.
I cried in the middle of Target today.
I had just finished an amazing workout and was feeling jazzed so told my husband I wanted to run to Target to find a new swimsuit.
I’m 8 weeks postpartum so I wasn’t expecting to fit into a great bikini or see abs or anything; I just wanted something that fit and kept my boobs covered and tucked away.
The other day at the water park, I was overflowing out of my top, and kept having to tuck in and was just generally uncomfortable.
And I just wanted something that allowed me to move and get some sun and play with my kids.
I tried on about 30 tops… of all the largest sizes, and literally nothing fit. I went back, twice, to the swimsuit section and finally stumbled across the plus size area (thank you, Target, for putting them with the rest of the swimsuits as it would have never occurred to me to search there), and this top was the only thing that was even remotely okay.
It’s a size 18W and I don’t even know what that means.
I didn’t even put it back on the hanger and threw it in my cart.
As I walked across the store to get coffee filters, all I could think about was my big, fat, white puckered body. And my face twisted into a big silent ugly cry.
Not because I hate my body or because I’m ashamed.
Not because I’m not proud of what my body has done or the fact that my ginormous boobs are currently keeping my 4th baby alive.
But because, plain and simple, it’s frustrating to not be the size that you feel you are.
I know there are bigger problems in this world.
I know I have many blessings and things to be grateful for.
And, even though this photo is embarrassing, I wanted to post it for all of you who may be struggling with size right now.
I don’t need to be a size 2 or even a size 10. But for the love of God, I just want something to FREAKING FIT.
I got the top, I got the coffee filters, I got some swim diapers. And you better believe I also got some gorgeous coverups to boot as well.
I’m going to do this, and I’m going to love myself through it.
After the Target day, I started making small choices for myself everyday to lose more than 40 pounds and even more emotional weight I’d been carrying. (Forgive the more recent photo. I wasn’t planning to share it and pretty sure I hadn’t washed my hair in 4 days.)
If you need a jumpstart, join us for the Your Best Body Challenge, starting January 31. (Price goes up tonight.) It’s the exact blueprint I used to get into the best shape of my life, including recipes, meal plans, scheduling, mindset tools, sleep, water, emotional health and more. You’ll get daily emails and customized videos from me. Plus, we have a private Facebook group for friendship and accountability. There are only a few more days to sign up. I’ll see you there.