Do you know I’m your Mommy?

My baby is away from me for a lot of time each day, and sometimes, I wonder if she really knows I’m her Mommy. I wanted to share this post for any mamas who may feel the same way.

I’m in a deep sleep and suddenly your squeaks break up the white noise coming from the monitor on my nightstand.

Without looking at the clock, I know.

It’s 3am.

And you need your bottle.

I gingerly roll out of bed (back problems, ya’ll) and stumble down the stairs. My eyes are still blurry as I walk across the great room. I keep walking as the white noise coming from your room gets louder.

When I open the door, I smell You.

Sweet.

Like baby sweat and milk.

Like the smell of your warm skin.

It’s a comforting, beautiful, real smell.

I pause and breathe it in.

My heart feels warm as I know Our Special Time is about to start.

I reach into your bed, and feel the weight of your little body as I pull you to my chest.

I walk to the window and slowly sit down in our chair.

My eyes focus.

The midnight glare of the moon illuminates your face.

You don’t open your eyes because you know it’s Me. And you are Safe.

Your trusting, tiny mouth opens, and as you start gulping your formula, I breathe. And take in the moment.

I smell your cheeks and gaze at your soft tiny lashes.

I relax under the weight of your warm, small perfect body, all bundled up in your swaddle.

We sit in our sweet moment. The only time we get together. Just Us. Alone and no one else.

And I wonder:

Do you know I’m your Mommy?

You’re the youngest of 4 kids, and for much of the day, you’re passed from me to your brothers to our au pair to your bouncer chair.

Even though I don’t work outside the home, I don’t get as much facetime with you as I did your oldest brother.

It’s not because I love you any less, my sweet baby.

And it’s not because I don’t want to hold you all day, everyday.

It’s because the others are hungry and need rides to school. And then they get home and they fight and I have to send them to timeouts and sometimes early to bed because of bad behavior. Then I have to make dinner and help with homework. I hold you when I can. I wear you as much as possible. But thankfully, my sweet girl, there are lots of helping hands in our house, and you are surrounded by loving family members and helpers who are only too happy to hold you while Mommy tends to all of the other things that have to be done.

But now, it’s Our Special Time.

They’re all asleep, and the needs are paused.

The voices are quieted.

The busyness of the day has melted into nothingness, and now at 3am, there’s a delightful void, in the darkness of the middle of the night.

White noise comes from all different bedrooms of the house, fans are whirling, and everyone is asleep.

This is Our Time.

The streetlights are on and cats are roaming the neighborhood, and it’s just Us.

In your room.

In our chair.

With our moon.

You relax in my arms, and I feel my shoulders soften, as I drink in the sweetness of this moment.

Eventually, you let go. In a deep sleep, your mouth still gaping open as I take the bottle out of your mouth.

This is Our Time.

The time when it’s just You and Me.

The time when it is quiet and I don’t have to share you with anyone else.

The time when no one else needs anything.

The time when my only responsibility is holding You, and reminding you that you are Safe.

And as your warm body is totally relaxed in my arms, I wonder.

Do you know I’m your Mommy?

I wonder if my smell is different, and you know it’s Me.

I wonder if I feel different, and you know it’s Me.

I wonder if you know my breath and my touch and my silence.

I wonder if you know it’s Me.

And then, my sweet baby, I realize.

You know.

You know it’s Me.

You know I’m your Mommy.

Because no one else smells like me and feels like me and breathes like me, and knows every last inch of You.

You know what Us feels like.

I take a deep breath and smile inside.

Yes, I wish we had more moments like this.

But instead of wishing, I will live for this special time, each night, when we meet at 3am.

When it’s just Us.

And so, my sweet baby, I’ll see you in a few hours when you wake up. I’ll be getting your brothers breakfast and I’ll lay you on the rug with your bottle as you watch the morning rush.

We may be able to steal a few moments together throughout the day.

But even if we don’t, we know we’ll have Our Time again the next time the clock strikes 3am.

I’ll meet you here.

When all else is still.

For Our Time.

Love, Mommy

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