PSA: Being hungover in middle age is not for the faint of heart.
Being hungover in middle age is exactly the same as it was in your 20’s, EXCEPT NOOOOO NOT AT ALL.
Where you used to be able to do 5 tequila shots on the bar and wake up at 9am the next day for a physics exam, fresh-minded and ready to conquer the world, being hungover in middle age is similar to being hit over the head with a baseball bat and then being asked to recite every U.S. President’s name and favorite color, in order and in German.
It cannot happen.
Being hungover in middle age is NOT for the faint of heart. You do not bounce back the same. You cannot handle it the same.
The body does not recover.
There are 20-somethings at my 6am boot camp who were out until 1am, and while they’re doing burpees, they are able to talk about how many vodka sodas they drank last night.
I had one beer and was asleep by 9:30pm, and I feel like I was run over by a truck. Seriously, WTH.
(As an aside, those 20-somethings can also eat donuts and tacos and things of that nature, and their bodies are perfect. I can’t even look at a donut or I will legit gain 5 pounds of water weight. True story.)
Not to mention, in middle-age, your responsibilities are more than they have ever been before.
There is a lot more at stake than sleeping through your 11am Spanish class.
Guaranteed, when you get home at 12:30am as I did last night (on a random Tuesday), someone will wake you up before 5am.
It’s literally a scientific fact.
Last night, 30 minutes after I laid down, my 5-year-old came into our room crying hysterically. I thought he was sick or had a nightmare. Nope. He was crying because his piggy bank had fallen off his bed in the middle of the night and broken in half. I mean seriously, what do you do even with that? These are the issues I am dealing with as I am trying to sleep after a night of fun. You literally cannot make this up.
Then at 5am, the toddler was up for the day. The end.
In your 20’s, your biggest issue is waking up, finding your clothes and sliding into your 11am lecture.
In middle age, you will be awoken by little humans jumping on top of your body, demanding Life cereal and Blippy (anyone?) at 5am. They will need a second breakfast before leaving for school at 7am, and before that, you will have 9 circular conversations about why they need to get dressed and wear appropriate clothing (i.e. shirt and shorts and socks and shoes). You will have 27 versions of the same argument about socks that you will never win. Instead, you will simply tire of the words and the thinking, and just give up on the topic and move onto the next. “Go barefoot, it’s fine.”
Later that day, you will have to piece the pieces of your ravaged mind back together to do things like call the insurance company to update your liability coverage, make doctor’s appointments for 2 of your children (which you will later forget to show up for) and remember what freaking spirit day it is at which kid’s school and how you are going to dress your kid for it.
In your 20’s, you drank because it was fun and college is stressful.
In middle age, you drink because your toddler just stepped on a bee, your baby choked on a tortilla chip and you’ve listened to your 2 other kids argue about who’s day it is to take out the trash, in a circular and exhausting conversation that literally lasted 10 minutes.
The PTSA of mothering alone is enough to make all of this justifiable.
Just know that tomorrow morning, you will most certainly be paying for it.
This post is meant to be funny and taken as such. I don’t condone over-drinking and am not trying to make light of alcohol abuse. I simply think the middle age hangover is definitely a thing, and writing this post made me laugh.