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No, I don’t have a job, and no, I can’t pick up your phone call. Just text me. Ya feel me?

“Who are you, the President?”

It was my dad’s joking retort.

I’d just told him I had 7 minutes to talk. I was about to turn into preschool carline, and I could tell he was about to launch into a long story.

“No,” I laughed. “But I can’t talk long!”

No, I don’t have a job. But no, I’m not always able to talk on the phone. My dad understands, but his silly remark made me think about it a little more.

And the more I thought about it, I realized it’s probably puzzling, and maybe even downright annoying, those who don’t have young kids.

Why can’t you call me when you don’t even have a job? I’m sure they wonder.

And so, I’ll tell you.

1. It is loud around me ALL THE TIME. Even during car rides, when all the kids are restrained. There are questions, requests, spills and fights. I can barely hear myself think, let alone form a sentence. I’ll text you. During naptime.

2. I’m not going to remember what we talk about. This is why when our banker or realtor or accountant asks if they can call me back, I simply say, “Email is best for me. Can you email me instead?” I used to offer an explanation, but now I just don’t. And they email and then I save brain cells.

3. We will be interrupted every 30 seconds. It’s not that my kids aren’t self-sufficient. In fact, for your information, they are actually quite independent for their ages. Our 11-month-old crawls to his favorite toys, our 2-year-old goes to the bathroom by himself and our 4-year-old can get his own water and snacks (thanks to my cupboard hack). But still, they are all 4 years old and under. And so, they need a lot of assistance. Thus, phone convos with me will suck.

4. When I am alone, I don’t want to talk. There is so much talking around me all day long. I explain. I teach. I correct. I encourage. And, I answer impossible questions, like “Is there grass in heaven?” And so, in the rare (very rare) moments that I’m alone, I’m not going to be talking. I’m going to bathing in the luxurious, decadent, rich sound of nothingness. Silence. Quiet. Peace. (Either that or binge on Real Housewives. Either way, please text me.)

And so, this is why I can’t call you. Even though I don’t have a job outside of wiping butts, making dinner and shaping lives. I’m just a stay-at-home mom who savors silence and whose short-term memory is shoddy at best.

You’re right, I don’t have a 9-to-5 job, and I’m not the President.

But I am the boss of 3 young kids who need a lot of assistance, and I happen to be the appointed official tasked with keeping them alive.

If you want to call me The Queen, that’s fine.

But just do it through text.

And I’ll send a heart-eyed emoji back at ‘cha.

No I Don't Have a Job and No I Can't Call You

I laugh because sometimes I feel like I live my whole life through text! My friends and I text throughout the day, all day long. In fact, I have friends I’m sure I’ve never ever called. You feel me?