5 Things you should never say to a new mom

As a mom of 2 toddlers and a 3-month-old, there are a few phrases that seriously grate the nerves, even more than the voice of Caillou at 5:03 on a Monday morning. (And that’s saying a lot.) Here are 5 things you should never say to a new mom.

1. “I’m tired.”

Oh really? I’ll see your dark under-eye circles and raise you 3 baby feedings and a vomiting toddler. Do us both a favor and don’t even bring this up because I will beat you in the sleep deprivation contest all day long. Please, catch yourself before you tell me that your 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep weren’t enough for you. Sincerely, the woman who was laying in bed 6 hours last night but was woken up 9 times by 3 different children. (True story.) Talk to the hand. Because the haggard, saggy-eyed mom face ain’t listenin’.

2. “Can you get me a burp rag?”

This one is fine from anyone except my husband. I love him, but if he’s holding the baby, and didn’t think to grab a burp rag before he sat down… well, I raise my hands. (If I was a better wife, I might not do this.) It might be because there are already 7 different spit-up marks on the fresh shirt I changed into less than 1 hour ago. And, honestly, I smell like baby spit-up pretty much all day, and I’m so tired (see #1) that I don’t even notice at this point. So if my baby spits up on you (or me), I’ll be honest: I really don’t care.

3. “Did the baby wake up last night?”

Ohhhhh. Be still my screaming soul. What?!??????? You mean to tell me you slept through that sh%t? First, I’m jealous that you can do that. But mostly, I’m just mad. Don’t ever ask this question. Because until the child is roughly 6 months old, the answer will always be yes.

4. “Do you know babies can still get sunburned in the shade?”

Thank you, countless well-meaning strangers at the beach. Yes, I do happen to know that. And, in case you didn’t notice, I have 2 other minions running around my covered-in-sand sliver of towel on the beach, so this ain’t my first rodeo. For your information, the baby is slathered in sunscreen, wearing a long-sleeved rash guard and shorts, sunglasses, a hat and we’re under an umbrella. (Not that I need to explain that to you.) Oh, aaaaaand it’s cloudy out. Take a hike.

5. “Maybe you could try (insert stupid idea here) to get the baby to stop crying?”

Actually, sweet old lady in the line at the grocery store, there’s nothing I can do right now to get my baby to stop crying. Because he’s hungry. And I’m not going to whip out my boob before I swipe my card and load up my cart with groceries and get it all to our Suburban, because I also have the 2-year-old with me, and I simply do not have enough hands. So, thank you for touching my newborn’s face and trying to jiggle his carseat in the cart, but your baby-soothing skills from 1972 are a tad rusty. So unless you’re offering to be a wet nurse, please, just leave us alone.

Now it’s your turn. Caption the photo above and leave your response in the comments section. (This is my first son and I, after a 5-hour drive, during which he screamed the last 1.5 hours. #Cheers)