As a mom of 2 toddlers and a 3-month-old, there are a few phrases that seriously grate the nerves, even more than the voice of Caillou at 5:03 on a Monday morning. (And that’s saying a lot.) Here are 5 things you should never say to a new mom.

1. “I’m tired.”

Oh really? I’ll see your dark under-eye circles and raise you 3 baby feedings and a vomiting toddler. Do us both a favor and don’t even bring this up because I will beat you in the sleep deprivation contest all day long. Please, catch yourself before you tell me that your 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep weren’t enough for you. Sincerely, the woman who was laying in bed 6 hours last night but was woken up 9 times by 3 different children. (True story.) Talk to the hand. Because the haggard, saggy-eyed mom face ain’t listenin’.

2. “Can you get me a burp rag?”

This one is fine from anyone except my husband. I love him, but if he’s holding the baby, and didn’t think to grab a burp rag before he sat down… well, I raise my hands. (If I was a better wife, I might not do this.) It might be because there are already 7 different spit-up marks on the fresh shirt I changed into less than 1 hour ago. And, honestly, I smell like baby spit-up pretty much all day, and I’m so tired (see #1) that I don’t even notice at this point. So if my baby spits up on you (or me), I’ll be honest: I really don’t care.

3. “Did the baby wake up last night?”

Ohhhhh. Be still my screaming soul. What?!??????? You mean to tell me you slept through that sh%t? First, I’m jealous that you can do that. But mostly, I’m just mad. Don’t ever ask this question. Because until the child is roughly 6 months old, the answer will always be yes.

4. “Do you know babies can still get sunburned in the shade?”

Thank you, countless well-meaning strangers at the beach. Yes, I do happen to know that. And, in case you didn’t notice, I have 2 other minions running around my covered-in-sand sliver of towel on the beach, so this ain’t my first rodeo. For your information, the baby is slathered in sunscreen, wearing a long-sleeved rash guard and shorts, sunglasses, a hat and we’re under an umbrella. (Not that I need to explain that to you.) Oh, aaaaaand it’s cloudy out. Take a hike.

5. “Maybe you could try (insert stupid idea here) to get the baby to stop crying?”

Actually, sweet old lady in the line at the grocery store, there’s nothing I can do right now to get my baby to stop crying. Because he’s hungry. And I’m not going to whip out my boob before I swipe my card and load up my cart with groceries and get it all to our Suburban, because I also have the 2-year-old with me, and I simply do not have enough hands. So, thank you for touching my newborn’s face and trying to jiggle his carseat in the cart, but your baby-soothing skills from 1972 are a tad rusty. So unless you’re offering to be a wet nurse, please, just leave us alone.

5 Things You Should Never Say to a New Mom

Now it’s your turn. Caption the photo above and leave your response in the comments section. (This is my first son and I, after a 5-hour drive, during which he screamed the last 1.5 hours. #Cheers)