On Saturday, Princess Kate Middleton emerged from a London hospital, looking flawless, despite pushing the Royal Baby out of her vagina a mere 10 hours earlier. As a fellow new mom, I’m calling bull crap.
Dear Princess Kate,
The nylons, the designer yellow floral dress, the heels.
Ouch was all I could think of when I saw the video of you, looking pristine and perfectly-coiffed, outside a London hospital. A mere 10 hours after pushing a baby out of your vagina.
You see, I was watching the video from my iPhone, in my hospital bed.
I was wearing a scratchy-yet-comfy hospital gown.
And I was also recovering from an epidural-free birth, less than 48 hours before yours.
As I clicked on the video my friend had posted on Facebook, I saw the smile in your eyes. The pride. The joy. And, most of all, the relief at being done with the epic task of giving birth.
But I also felt sad for you.
Because I know how much it must have taken to stage that picture-perfect moment for the world.
Your glam squad produced a gorgeous head of bouncy, shiny hair that cascaded effortlessly over your shoulders. But I’m betting your private parts were so sore that you were sitting on an ice pack and pillow to make it through the styling session.
Your makeup looked natural and fresh. But you must have been exhausted. Up all night with painful, gut-paralyzing contractions. And bracing for a long night ahead, with a newborn who will likely be wanting to feed non-stop.
Your yellow and white floral dress was stylish, chic and totally on-point. But it looked like it was made of a tight, non-breathable material with zero give, I’m guessing you had to force your engorged, colostrum-producing boobs into a restrictive bra to make it into that dress. Suddenly, my cotton hospital gown felt so cozy and safe. I am so glad I don’t have to impress anyone today.
In the video, it looks like you had nylons on. That must have been so uncomfortable, but I’m guessing it was necessary to hold in the white mesh granny panties you were likely wearing underneath. And the huge, soaked maxi pad, to catch the post-birth bleeding that goes on for days. Can you imagine if there was a drop of blood down your leg for the world to see? Yes, the nylons were definitely essential.
And finally, Kate, the heels. Wow. I’m impressed. Your private parts must have been throbbing as you balanced carefully on those steps outside the hospital. And I’ll bet your pelvis was sore too, from the pressure of a baby’s skull grinding painfully on top of it for the last few months. Your center of gravity, way off-kilter from 10 months of pregnancy, had now changed again. But girl, you still wore heels. Rock it.
So Princess Kate, I just want to say, I feel for you. I’m in the post-pardum trenches, right next to you.
But for me, this is what 10 hours after birth really looks like.
I’m full of joy.
And I won’t be wearing a shirt or seeing the inside of a shower for days.
I may not look like a princess, but inside, I am feeling like a queen.
Kate, I hope to God that, after your photo op, you got to experience post-birth bliss in a relaxed environment, like I did. I hope you went straight to your room, tore off the designer dress, itchy nylons and restrictive bra, and sat naked in your granny panties in a comfy bed with your newborn on your skin.
We’re all rooting for you, Kate.
And I hope you find some yoga pants and Tucks pads real soon.
A Fellow New Mom