What really happens to your sex life when you have little kids

“You should write about our sex life.”

“What?” I literally snorted my drink. It was happy hour, and my husband and I were sitting side-by-side on a plush couch in the lobby of a local hotel.

“How much of that martini has gone to your brain?” I asked him. “You can not be serious.”

My husband’s a very private person, so naturally, I couldn’t believe what he’d suggested.

“No, seriously,” he said. “I think marriage and sex life is important. And I think you should write more about it. Your life isn’t just about the kids and being a mom all the time. What about your life as a wife?”

He’s right.

I focus so much of my energy, my time, my life and even my posts on this blog to mothering, raising kids and being ‘mom.’

But what about that whole, huge other category of my life?

That part of me that is ‘wife’ and (gulp)… ‘lover.’

And so, against my better judgment, I decided to write this post about what really happens to your sex life when you have kids. (I’m laughing as I type because I can only imagine what hilarious stories some of you are pondering in your own heads right now, and will hopefully share in the comments!)

First things first. When you have little kids, you will literally have sex anywhere and at any time of day because it may be the only sliver of alone time you get. A parked car, the bathroom while the kids are playing, even outside in the backyard at night while everyone’s watching a movie? Yes to all of the above. One of my friends and her husband have even gotten it on from the other side of the kitchen counter while the kids watched a movie in the living room. *insert sideways laughing crying emoji here* Don’t judge. Because beggars can’t be choosers. And so when the kids are occupied doing something (anything), the house is safely locked up, and in our case, the baby is in the playpen, it is time to find a corner, lock them out and do your thang. #noshame #parentingisntforcowards

Along those lines, planning is a must. Because young kids aren’t just occupied, fed and safely-restrained because no one thought about it. You’ve got to make it happen, and that takes coordination with your partner. (And frankly, that’s romantic to me!) Sometimes, this means you have to subtly discuss with your partner how, when and where the deed will take place. Don’t worry. It just adds to the anticipation for him. And for me, I’ll be real: it allows me to warm up to the idea and mentally prep for it. Let me be totally honest with you. Since I am touched and grabbed by little humans all day, I’m much less likely to want to do the dirty if it is suddenly sprung on me. Yes, it sounds sad when I write it out that way, but I don’t care and I’m totally owning it. I need to warm up to the idea. Planning helps.

Efficiency is everything. Last time I checked, 99.9 percent of parents of little kids are totally and completely exhausted by the time their offspring finally go to bed. This means nighttime lovemaking isn’t always ideal. This is also why many couples do it during daylight hours, and my personal preference is right before the morning shower. We have to shower anyway, we’re awake and the kids are usually occupied with breakfast and TV. Check, check, check.

You will come up with your own name for it. Since it’s unlikely that you’ll say, “Hey, let’s have sex right now!” in front of your kids, many couples come up with their own name for doing the nasty. Making the bed, changing into your pajamas. Get creative. My husband and I call it “brushing our teeth.” Yep, that’s right. And it works out really well in basically every single circumstance imaginable. “Should we brush our teeth this morning?” I’ll ask him while the kids watch morning cartoons. Or, “Hey kids, Dad and I are going to go brush our teeth. We’ll be out in a little bit. Just stay on the couch and enjoy your show.” Yes. This is exactly how it happens, and I stand behind it 110 percent.

A dry spell is nothing to worry about. Like when your husband is out-of-town for 8 days and comes home with influenza (like, the flu flu), and you don’t have relations for more than 2 weeks. Because you are happily sleeping on the couch. Listen, there is no amount of enjoyment that is worth exposure to the freaking flu when you’re a Mom (or otherwise). Nope. It’s nothing personal, but ain’t nobody got time for that. (And when I can’t sleep I’ll just take lame selfies that are neither flattering nor well-lit.)

Few things can derail the mood. Someone barfs in the middle of the night, waking up both parents who clean up vomit and then lay back in bed? Perfect time to get it on. Middle of the day, and a kid is pounding on the bedroom door, saying the baby just emptied the Doritos bag? Yep, that’s fine. We will just keep doing our thing in our locked room. “We will deal with it later!” we yell. “We are brushing our teeth! Just stay in the house!” Sometimes, we even talk about real-life things, like weekend plans or what we’re going to make for dinner.

Hey, you don’t have to like it. But it’s real life. I’m sorry if it doesn’t sound romantic. Except I’m not sorry because again, it’s my life and I love it. This is life with little kids.

I’m cringing as I press publish and hoping I’m not alone on this! Share your thoughts in the comments.

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